What is the double bind?

In business, women often encounter what Deborah Tannen calls “the double bind”.

In her article ‘The Power of Talk: Who Gets Heard and Why’, Tannen describes the way women in leadership often walk a narrow line: if we’re too assertive then we’re labelled as abrasive, but if we’re not assertive enough then we become overlooked.

This dynamic creates a quiet erosion. Women begin to self-censor, to “tone it down,” and to soften their edges – not because they’re unsure, but because they’ve too often been taught that confidence must be gentle if it is to be accepted.

However, instead of leading to acceptance, this softening creates inner dissonance, in which natural instincts are suppressed and subdued. The result? Feelings of burnout and a loss of personal power.

To overcome this double bind, we women must lead with a fusion of emotional intelligence and warmth. This candour is clarity without aggression. It is conviction without coldness. As Professor Margarita Mayo observed, “Men are seen as confident if they are seen as competent, but women are seen as confident only if they come across as both competent and warm.”

At first this may seem disheartening – women are judged on two criteria while men are judged on one – but this is not how I choose to look at it.

In my view, Mayo has identified an advantage for women. If we are judged on two fronts, we have twice the space in which to lead. Twice as many opportunities for success. There is power in your warmth. And there is power in your strategy.

You do not need to lose your femininity to be effective. You only need to learn how to integrate it – to lead with all of your talents and unsoftened edges.